Nov. 17, 1945




 Nov. 17, 1945


     Dear Shirl,

      You might as well sit down.  This is going to be the most degodamndetailed letter ever to pass between us.  All of our troubles are caused by one thing - money.  To be blunt, I ain’t got none.  I never did get in my flying time so instead of sacrificing our being together in KC to pay my father more money, I can’t do either one.  My pay at the end of this month will be 166.00$. The musts’s out of that are 60.00, 50.00, and 20.00.   That leaves 36$ to buy supposedly 90 meals, get Christmas presents for you, your mother and Eddie, Mom and Myles, Ken’s and Lee’s kids, buy 30 packs of cigarettes, send Christmas cards, have at least six uniforms cleaned and pressed, call you and Mom on Christmas Day and a couple of small items like razor blades etc. etc.  Right now I’m laughing about it.  It sounds so ridiculous.  Usually it doesn’t seem very funny and I’d just as soon throw rocks at crippled old women.  Just by some miracle suppose I was able to do all of this.  It would be exactly the same story the following month.  It’s the way it was last month.   Monotonous, hey?  This month I sold my overcoat and electric razor to keep from eating my shoes.  Next month there won’t be anything to sell.  What would you suggest I do?  That’s a pistol of a 64.00$ question.  I’ve always tried to keep big news to myself until it was official.   Leave us now break a tradition.  Unless there are radical changes made, I’ll be taken out of the Bomb Group by the end of this month.  And it’s also possible that I’ll be discharged by February. 1st.  I’ve known this for some time but I was holding it back for a surprise.  Sort of backfired, huh?  Now let’s get very realistic!  If things work out this way there’ll be three more paydays in the Army totaling 510.00$ in pay.  I still owe 730.00$.  So subtract living expenses and incidentals from 510, then subtract that from 730 and there is still a large hunk left.  How long will it take me to pay that off as a civilian?  What about civilian clothes?  What about our going out and having fun once in awhile.  At one time my dreams were to get married and take that trip right away.  Then they were to have just enough to get a car.  Then they were to have all the debts paid off.  Now there aren’t any.  Who expected the war to end so soon.  That’s what knocked everything upside down.  It’s worth it though.  This very definitely is all I and me.  It’s my battle , I’ve got to lick it.  But my own selfishness in doing this has been so I can start doing things for us.  Your other letter made me awfully mad.  Not at you, but for you.  You still didn’t fight for what you wanted.  You fought against me and then absolutely refused to meet me under any circumstances.  What should I have said or done?  Don’t you think it hurt me to have to disappoint you?  I chose disappointing you now, hoping that it would be best in the long run.  It would have cost at least 75$ to take that trip.  That 75$ might possibly be one tenth of our new car or our plane fare to Havana or lots of things for us.  Then again we may never have these things.  It was a gamble and we won’t know how it came out for some time.  That’s one reason.  The other is very selfish.  I want to be able to sleep at night and maybe go to town once in awhile and eat three square meals for a change and send out my laundry and call you once in awhile, and send you that bracelet in the P.X. and send my mother a bottle of “tabu” and get myself a new pair of shoes and and and.  I can’t do one of these things and it’s driving me crazy.  It’s like an obsession.  As soon as everything is paid, some of these things can be done.  I’m sick of toast for breakfast, doughnuts for lunch and soup for supper.  I’m sick of having headaches and stomach aches.  Oh hell, I’m just sick.  Are you soaking up dozens of kerchiefs over this tragic story?  If you are I’ll scalp you.  I’m not letting my hair down to get your sympathy or to explain things that are past.  It’s more or less a view into the near future.  There are still loose miracles floating around and sooner or later I’ll grab onto one of them, but until then it’ll be rough.  Not just money, but I’ll be nervous, maybe a little ornery at times, paying instead of playing and all stuff like that there.  I won’t be able to help myself.

      You’ve started to think.  Don’t stop until you have everything straightened out.  It’s your life too and you’ve only got one of them to toss around.  Stuff like this may happen again.  Maybe the bad is more than the good.  I want you to stick with me and be by my side fighting the bad and enjoying the good.  For you it may be a gamble.  It’s your life and your choice.  That’s about all I’ll be saying now.  Maybe I’ve said too much, or not enough or everything wrong.  At least the stuff is out of my head and there’s nothing I’ve held back.  

     I’m glad you didn’t say, “I’m sorry.”  I won’t either.  Each of us in our own way are right and wrong.  

     Once again I’m gonna go get a cup of coffee.  It happens to be soothing to me.  Besides, it’s free.

    So long kiddo

        Love and Kisses

          Ray 

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